Saturday, August 7, 2010

I cracked...

After only 4 days of trying to do yet another diet (totally vegan with no caffeine) I caved. I shouldn't blame it on my children, but that would mean I would need to take responsibility for my own life. Pish posh. After about a week of constant meltdowns from my son, dealing with his ear infection, NP's who don't listen, etc., I dove face-first into a nastified Whataburger with bacon and cheese. All my previous concern for animals or my health went crashing out the window as I tried to journal yet another tantrum for the psychiatrist I will be taking my son to next week. Whataburger: my oasis. "Uh, yeah...I'll take a number 7 super sized, I mean What-a-sized, with a Diet Coke." As they hand me a keg of Diet soft drink with a grease-stained bag, you have to wonder what this What-a-employee is thinking... I have to admit, though, at that moment, I could give a rat's a$$. Gimme the burger and no one gets hurt. But now, in the glimmering afterglow of that glorious burger, I have to admit I'm slightly remorseful. Not necessarily for eating a burger (sorry, Bessy) but for starting and failing yet another time. Now, I've made significant progress. [pats self on back] But, I'm not where I want to be. And, it hits me today: 6 weeks til D-Day B Day. I will be 30. The big 3-0. What to do? My first thought (mid-munch) is that I NEED enjoyment in life. I'm dealing with a lot, yadda yadda.  But then, I think, when will I NOT be? This is something I want for me. I can't spend my life waiting for a better time and place. Now is the time for action. I've come too far to take orders from a 4 year old . . . or a burger.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Scandinavians Rock!

I have spent the summer (besides wrangling the bairn) learning, in depth, ancient mythology. I have spent 6 weeks on gender roles in ancient society (which, we don't have much to work with BUT their mythology) and 6 weeks on just straight Iliad, Beowulf and Gilgamesh. Rollicking good time you ask? Probably not, but it's better than, say, Chemistry 101. The fun begins when we learn about Scandinavian mythology. Hoooooly crap. Giants are born out of ice-sweat, Giantesses have children that are massive snakes and wolves, the sun gives birth to the moon (or is it the other way 'round?) and they're chased by wolves around the sky. It's good fun. And BTW, Tolkien's a plagiarist. ;) But much can be gleaned from the Swiss Miss. This culture is sort of peculiar in that it is not one's deeds on earth that lead to Heaven or Hell (or rather, Valhalla or Hel) but the way in which someone died: you must die in battle to reach "heaven" and if you die in sickness or old age, you're stuck with the goddess Hel. Not that I'm running out to get a Thor tattoo or anything, but that's a pretty bada$$ culture. Not that I'm going to buy a broadsword and start hacking people who cut me off in traffic, but there's a bit of wisdom there. Death (and some other things we see as unfavorable) are unavoidable, it's how we approach give us strength.

The Swedes have a proverb: "Do not give a small thing a big shadow." After mulling this over for some months, I began to realize that the shadow of something is always much larger and scarier than the actual thing itself. In my mind, there are shadows of problems or concerns about the future. They swirl around and get mixed up and they grow and become even scarier. To me, the only way to get them out in the light and see what they really look like (much smaller than imagined) is to talk about it. So, down to the friendly neighborhood WalMart I go and buy $6 worth of therapy: 5 Star notebooks. It is astounding to simply write out a couple thoughts that have been knocking around in there for months (perhaps years) and read them over. "Well, that's just not true." Problem dissolved. I look forward to using paper as my sounding board and doing some much needed shooing away of "problems" that aren't truly problems at all.