Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Confessions

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been...uh...30 years since my last confession. Okay, so I'm not Catholic, but I do have some things I just need to come clean about.

1. I can never (ever) understand Asian Americans with thick accents. I purchased sides for my entree I didn't want, I have procured air brushed flowers on my toenails I would never have asked for-- all because I just smile and nod like the idiot American. I have heretofor given up calling in the take-out order, after being screamed at (I think she thought if she spoke the unintelligible words LOUDER, the stupid white girl would understand) by the lady at Imperial Wok for 5 minutes. I seriously thought she was asking me what "sides" I wanted with my General Tso's Chicken. "Uuuuhhhh...I guess rice? Egg rolls?" "SIZE! SIZE!" "White rice?" "SIIIIIIIIZZZZZE!" "OOOOOHHH! Sorry-- large." "Okay, 10 min."
2. I cried when I saw the last Narnia movie...as well as the first one. And, I cried when Dumbledore died in Rowling's book. (Wow. I sound like a DD sap.)
3. I love the smell of Noxema. I don't care if it smells like your grandmother, all the formaldehyde (or rat poison or whatever)  makes me feel clean. Maybe it was all the Noxema advertisements growing up? Whatever it is, I wish they'd make a cologne out of it and I'd bath in it. In fact, if I were forced into rehab, I'd smuggle the cologne in and drink it. This is how committed I am to this brand.
4. I still use harsh cleansers when I clean and real butter when I cook.
5. I'm a child of the 80's, yet I do not like The Goonies. And, the whole, "Baby Ruuuuth?" quote just pisses me off.
6. I'm totally un-American: I don't like McDonald's french fries, mac n cheese, hot dogs, or apple pie. I know, I'm a Commie.
7. I'm totally un-womanly: no cuddling. Ever. I must be free!
8. I have to end things on even numbers. Even if there is no substance to them...(if I think of anything, I'll let you know.)

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